As a person who is transgender, it never occurred to me that I would end up with large breasts. Most doctors will tell you that the average trans woman will max out at a B-cup, but some will reach a C-cup and those are the lucky few.
I, however, ended up at 36DD and I still have another year a breast growth to go. “Fuck you and your boobs” I hear on a weekly basis from other people within the community; I laugh it off knowing that yes, I have hit the genetic gene pool.
“What! Was your mom a Z-cup?” one person asked me possibly not realizing that it would take me to know what size my mom’s boobs really are to know the answer to that question. “Yuck,” I thought to myself after considering the question.
As a Trans person I’m lucky, but there are down-sides to large breasts that never occurred to me; a dark, dare I say a droopy sweaty underside of having big breasts, so I thought it was time to let everyone know what exactly #girlslikeus go through on your average big boobed day.
1. Did you see those cute blue and yellow bras at PINK? Avert your eyes and walk away, PINK only goes to a C-Cup. Bye bye cute bras, I loved you when I was a C-cup…6 months ago.
2. Button up shirts: No thanks, they look like 10 pounds of breasts stuffed in a 5 pound sack. In-other-words, it looks like your shirt is about to spring open and yell surprise!
3. Working Out: I have to wear two sports bras in order to work out or even consider running.
4. Driving: Yeah, going straight is easy until you have to turn the wheel in either direction and your under arms are knocking up against…well…your knockers.
5. Does your back hurt? The answer is no, but my shoulders are killing me.
6. Doctor visits: I went to the doctor this week and as always was weighed. I came in 7 pounds higher than my average and the doctor said…I kid you not, “Well, if we factored out your breast weight I’m sure we would come up with your average weight.”
7. Attention from Men: I get an average of 15 emails, text messages or DM’s per day that simply say, “nice tits.” Thanks, I guess.
8. Attention from Women: Evidently there is some sort of breast size competition that I was unaware of because the number of women that I catch simply staring at my breasts with scowls on their faces increases with my cup size.
9. Say goodbye to backless outfits: Too much side boob + no support = complete disaster.
11. Too much emphasis on your breasts during sex: I’m not sure if my dates are trying to tune in Radio Free Europe when I’m on top or if they think my boobs are some sort of pleasure portal to my under-carriage. Either way, stop staring at them like a deer in the headlights.
12. You are automatically put into the “Curvy” category: I’m 5’6” wear a size 8 [6 if it’s Old Nay] and I’m HWP, but for some reason my breast size makes me curvy.
13. Under-boob sweat: Bonus points on this one because it gives me an excuse to get out of yard work.
14. Cleavage sweat: It’s a thing.
15. Sleeping on your back: Say goodbye to sleeping on your back, it feels like you are being strangled very very slowly, but in an oddly pleasurable way.
16. Sleeping on your side: It’s now the only way I can sleep, but the discomfort level of one breast lying on top of the other can keep you up half the night.
18. Getting measured for a bra at Victoria’s Secret: “Wow, that can’t be right, let me measure you again…hm…ok” <sales person slowly walks out of the dressing room and disappears into the ether]
19. Eating on the go: You have to hold the plate [or wrapper] above the breast line, otherwise you can’t see what you’re eating. Seriously.
20. Drinking through a straw: Same as eating, the cup is held off to the side making driving and drinking my favorite soda almost impossible.
21. Can’t See Your: Stomach or feet and given the outfit, sometimes my knees completely disappear from view.
22. Boob bridge = late night snack: At the end of the day when I take off my bra, all of the food stuck in my cleavage makes for an awesome late night snack. Chips, popcorn and yes, one time a large chunk of beef jerky…wtf?
23. Crop Tops with Built in Support: Aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha the tag says, “support.”
24. Mannequins: You have this innate desire to push over all mannequins.
25. Every man wants a hug: And you know why.
26. You look kind of fat in everything that is fitted:
27. You look kind of fat in everything that is not fitted: You boobs create this shelf and the shirt over hangs creating a look that is 30 pounds heavier than you are.
29. Push-Up Bras Become Ridiculous: It says, “You’re showing off.”
30. Nip Slips: Especially when you wake up in the morning and half your tank top is off. It’s strange when you go to bed fully clothed and wake up in the morning without a shirt drenched in sweat. This happens almost nightly and there is nothing you can do about it. So get used to waking up in a hot-mess pile of confusion and downing three glasses of water to re-hydrate.