In my debut post, I’ve decided that I want to talk about is consciousness, art, and drugs…possibly not in that order and although you may not be familiar with Adam Green of the Moldy Peaches, you should be because they’re doing some awesome harm reduction stuff, so you should check it out.
Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about my experiences and how I got here; I mean let’s get real because we all like to feel good and when I found my way in life, I decided to run with it. Prior to transitioning, I struggled with all kinds of addiction, and that seems to be a story told time and time again from a trans perspective… name a drug and I’ve probably done it at least once, if not more because I was so lost and confused in my own head space and I knew I hated my body and I really didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. When your parents decide to put you on handfuls of SSRIs at an early age, it seems only natural to turn to drug use later in life.
As early as I can remember, I’ve been a very lucid dreamer, possibly…no definitely as an escape tactic from my abusive situations. I learned about the minds eye at a very young age because it was all I had and imagination is powerful if not everything, so now – with the aid of something recreational – I find my sunny spot, listen to my favorite music and focus on my minds eye for about 20 minutes a day. I focus on the clouds that manifest my lucid dream state and my imagination kicks into high gear.
It was time to start transitioning, so I stopped taking my medication and all recreational drugs prior to going on HRT because I wanted what I thought would be a raw and clean transition experience. Beside, ancillary drugs can hinder the hormone cycle and if I was going to take this on, I wanted it to be as seamless as possible.
“A raw experience” is an understatement because ohhh did it get raw – too raw at some point – because I had to go back on my anti-psych medications in order to properly function. I went with a one third dosage instead of a full because history told me that a full dose could land me a roll on The Walking Dead as one of the zombies, complete with real and authentic projectile vomiting.
Whew, No more panic. Panic=Vomiting
However, I still get the nervous gagging and retching, like Dee from It’s Always Sunning in Philadelphia, a truly messed up show, but in a good way – but that could be the progesterone or it could be anyone of the handful of medications I take nightly just to keep myself alive. Dry heaving I can take, the panic attacks not so much and being the magical girl I have become, I’m glad to say those days of panic may be over.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah…Harm Reduction, the Moldy Peaches and Dee Reynolds, my mind is wandering like a small child holding a remote flipping through hundreds of channels in a matter of seconds.
We all know the statistics, 41% of #GirlsLikeUs will try and kill ourselves and guess what…I was one of those statistics. I was young, dumb, broke and dramatic as hell before I transitioned [I’m still young, broke and dramatic, I’m just no longer dumb], and if i was going to go out, why not in a blaze of glory with a nose full of heroin in a bath tub? Why snort it instead of injecting it which would have produced an easy O.D.? Thank you for asking anonymous internet reader; I may have been dumb, but needles aren’t safe kids.
Six hours later I woke up hoping that I was dead, but really, I was just lying in a bath tub with powder dripping out of my nose, not exactly the heaven or hell I had hoped for because I was really sure there would be no filthy bath tubs where I thought I was going.
I felt reborn with a new purpose when I called my then partner who came over and flushed the rest of my heroin down the toilet. I hit the interwebs and found out that a drug called DXM – Dextromethorphan, or basically a cough suppressant – will help you exorcise the demons of heroin…yes…of course I got addicted to DXM, where did you really think this story was going? Like I suddenly just got all better? Besides DXM and weed is legal, so get off my back and since I’ve known four very close people to me that have died from alcohol -three at one time- I don’t drink.
I miss them.
I went to the doctor recently and they said I was really healthy [how did that happen? amirite?] somehow, this despite sitting in a pile of mud, eating lizard tails and bugs as a kid, being addicted to heroin then DXM and surviving a suicide attempt, but I don’t get sick anymore and through meditation and harm reduction, I’ve come to a fantastic and magical place in my life and I’m good with that in the same way I’m good with using the word ‘magical’ in this post three times now.
Life is getting better; I love to rollerskate around town and talk to people, play video games and work on my art. I have plans on writing some songs and I do some cam work for now knowing that one day I’ll be a clothed model; I mean, a girl can dream right?
This is me and I’m glad to be here.
Check me out on Twitter, I might follow you back. @Lorelei_xo