Fort Worth, Tx. –
Two Army Officers operating out of Fort Worth, Tx. set themselves ablaze after a new law passed, requiring all living individuals to keep breathing.
Shortly after Noon on New Years Day a new bill dubbed the Free Air Act was passed in the state of Texas. The Law states that each individual not only has the right to breath, but cannot be considered living if they refuse too. This bill saw vast amounts of opposition from the far right. “Breathing is a privilege reserved for binary heterosexual Christians, and anyone who breaths outside of these groups is a terrorist” said Sen Ted Cruz “My hope is that Americans will make demonstrations of themselves with fire and vigor to keep this bill from passing”.
Later that day, the only two Americans to take Cruz seriously set themselves ablaze, stating before hand “we will burn if this bill passes, and we hope this uses so much oxygen that all the non christians stop breathing”. The two officers, who’s identities still remain unknown, poured gasoline on themselves shortly before noon just outside the south entrance to the base and ignited into flames just after the bill passed.
Several Law enforcement agents where on the scene at the time, and when asked why they didn’t try to stop the pair simply responded “We thought it would be cool to see if they actually did it, and it turned out to be quite the festive occasion. Some people even brought hot dogs and marshmallows to roast over the corpses and games to play while we waited”.
Later that day it was revealed that Sen Cruz had dropped out of the Presidential Race, as all two of his constituents had died in this display. “I’m not sure we will ever be able to rebuild such a strong following” Sen Cruz said “We will just have to stand behind trump this time around, and hope he doesn’t kill every american family looking for the lost ISIS treasure before the next election”.